The Long Haul: Getting Through the Dips in Marriage

Oct 18

They had been married for seventeen years when the hard winter came. Their teenager was struggling, his mother was ill, and her job had become relentless. They passed each other in the kitchen with brief, practical exchanges about pickups and appointments. Some nights they went to bed without saying goodnight. More than once, she lay awake wondering whether this was simply what their marriage had become, and whether she wanted it. Then, slowly, almost without noticing, something shifted. His mother improved. Their son found his footing. One Saturday morning, they lingered over coffee and laughed about something small, and she realized she had missed him.

Long marriages are rarely a straight line. They move through seasons: closeness and distance, ease and strain, good years and hard ones. Yet in a culture that often treats relationships as something to upgrade or replace when they stop feeling good, a hard season can easily be mistaken for the end. This post explores why dips in marriage are normal, what research tells us about how relationships change over time, and how couples can anticipate and get through the difficult stretches.

A note before we begin

This post is about ordinary hardship in relationships where both partners are safe. It is not about staying in a relationship that involves abuse, coercive control, threats, or violence. Commitment should never require you to tolerate harm. If you feel afraid of your partner, please reach out for support. Resources are listed at the end of this article.

Dips are normal

Many people enter marriage with an unspoken expectation that if they choose the right person, it should feel good most of the time. Research paints a more realistic picture.

In a study following married people over many years, sociologists found that, on average, marital happiness tended to decline gradually over time, with the steepest declines in the earliest and latest years of marriage (VanLaningham et al., 2001). These are averages, and many couples do not follow that pattern, but the findings suggest that some decline in satisfaction is common, not a sign that something has gone uniquely wrong.

Major life transitions often bring sharper dips. In an eight-year study of couples, those who became parents showed a sudden decline in relationship quality after their first child was born, while couples without children showed a more gradual decline over the same period (Doss et al., 2009). In other words, both groups experienced change; the timing and shape of it differed.

Knowing this can be reassuring. A hard season does not automatically mean you married the wrong person. It may simply mean you are in a hard season.

Anticipating the predictable seasons

Some dips catch couples by surprise. Many can be anticipated. Common pressure points include:

The arrival of a baby and the early years of parenting.
Career changes, job loss, or periods of intense work.
Financial strain.
Illness, injury, or chronic pain in either partner.
Caring for ageing parents.
Parenting teenagers.
Grief and loss.
Children leaving home.
Retirement and adjusting to more time together.

When couples name these seasons in advance, they can plan for them. That might mean agreeing to protect a small amount of time together, lowering expectations for a while, sharing the load differently, or reminding each other that this stretch is temporary, even if it feels endless.

Some problems do not get solved

John Gottman, who has studied couples for decades, has described how roughly two-thirds of the conflicts couples experience are "perpetual problems" (Gottman & Silver, 1999). These are ongoing differences in personality, preferences, or values, such as how tidy to keep the house, how much time to spend with family, or how to handle money, that tend to resurface over the years.

Rather than trying to resolve every difference, couples who do well often learn to talk about these issues with humour, curiosity, and respect, and to accept that some differences come with sharing a life with another person. Expecting perfect agreement can turn ordinary differences into evidence that the relationship is failing.

Commitment as a choice, not just a feeling

Feelings in a relationship rise and fall. Commitment offers something steadier. Relationship researchers Scott Stanley and Howard Markman distinguished between two kinds of commitment: dedication, a genuine desire to invest in the relationship and to think of yourselves as a team with a future, and constraint, the pressures that make leaving harder (Stanley & Markman, 1992). Dedication, in particular, involves seeing the relationship as a long-term "us" rather than a series of individual transactions.

A long view matters during hard seasons. When you trust that you are building something over decades, a bad week or even a bad year can be weighed against a larger story. Partners who can say, "We are not at our best right now, but we are still in this together," often find it easier to wait out the storm.

Why disposability can be tempting

Many cultural messages encourage us to leave when a relationship stops feeling good. Social media shows other couples' highlights. Dating apps suggest that someone better may always be available. Popular messages about self-care can sometimes be interpreted as "if it is hard, it is not right."

There are good reasons to end some relationships, and leaving can be a healthy and courageous choice. But ending a marriage during a temporary dip, without understanding what is happening or trying to repair it, can mean losing something that might have deepened with time.

What helps during the dips

Name the season. Saying out loud, "This is a hard stretch for us," can reduce blame and help you face it together.

Lower the stakes of bad days. One bad day, or even a bad month, does not define the relationship. Try not to make major decisions in the middle of exhaustion or conflict.

Protect small rituals. A goodbye kiss, a shared cup of coffee, a weekly walk, or a few minutes to check in at the end of the day can keep a thread of connection alive when there is little time for more.

Turn toward small moments. Responding to your partner's small bids for attention, a comment, a question, a touch, helps build a reserve of goodwill that can carry you through harder times.

Repair after conflict. Arguments are inevitable. Coming back afterward to acknowledge hurt, take responsibility for your part, and reconnect is what helps conflict strengthen rather than erode trust.

Remember your history. In hard seasons, it can help to recall times you have come through difficulty together before, and the reasons you chose each other.

Care for yourself too. Each partner's wellbeing affects the relationship. Sleep, friendships, physical health, and individual support all matter.

Seek help early. Many couples wait until resentment has built up for years before reaching out. Couples therapy can be helpful long before things reach a crisis point.

When to reach out for support

It may be worth speaking with a couples therapist if you notice that the same arguments keep escalating without resolution, you feel more like roommates than partners, contempt or criticism has become common, one or both of you has started to withdraw or shut down, trust has been damaged, or you are seriously considering separation and want to understand your options. If you are struggling individually with low mood, anxiety, or thoughts that life is not worth living, please reach out for support right away.

Reflection questions worth exploring

These prompts are best explored with your partner during a calm moment, or with a professional.

What season are we in right now, and what pressures are we carrying?
What hard seasons have we already come through together, and what helped?
Which of our disagreements are likely to be with us for the long term?
What small rituals help us feel connected, and how can we protect them?
What would it mean for us to see our marriage as a long-term project, rather than a measure of how we feel today?

Support at Vive Wellness Therapy

At Vive Wellness Therapy, we support couples through the seasons of long-term relationships, from the strain of new parenthood and busy careers to illness, grief, and the quieter drift that can happen over time. We offer a space to understand where you are, rebuild connection, and strengthen your commitment for the long haul. If you would like support, we would be glad to hear from you whenever you feel ready.

References

Doss, B. D., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: An 8-year prospective study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96(3), 601–619. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0013969

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown.

Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (1992). Assessing commitment in personal relationships. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 54(3), 595–608. https://doi.org/10.2307/353245

VanLaningham, J., Johnson, D. R., & Amato, P. (2001). Marital happiness, marital duration, and the U-shaped curve: Evidence from a five-wave panel study. Social Forces, 79(4), 1313–1341. https://doi.org/10.1353/sof.2001.0055

This article is provided by Vive Wellness Therapy for general informational and educational purposes only. It is intended to be used alongside professional therapy and is not a substitute for assessment, diagnosis, or treatment by a qualified health professional. Research and clinical guidance evolve over time, and information in this article may become outdated or contain inaccuracies. If you are experiencing abuse or feel unsafe in your relationship, visit sheltersafe.ca to find support near you. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 (Suicide Crisis Helpline, available 24/7 across Canada; in Quebec, calls connect to 1-866-APPELLE). If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 9-1-1 or go to your nearest emergency department.